Musings

These are the things I've been thinking on last night (after bawling my eyes out watching Glee) and this morning. They're random but they are memories, remembrances & musings...

*It was coming up to the one year anniversary of Allen Michael's birth and death. I was pregnant with Nora. I wasn't sure just how it was going to go. I was still in the depths of my grief. I was working at Questex and my girlfriends there were not only a huge part of my daily life but of my support system. It was the third season of Grey's Anatomy and we were all hooked! Every Friday morning was the typical "water cooler" office recap of the previous night's episode. On Thursday November 9th the episode "Where The Boys Are" aired. One of the sub-plots was a very pregnant woman who fell in the shower and broke her wrist and lost her baby. The doctors were leary of telling the couple about the baby because they seemed so happy. I HATED the episode but it was like a train wreck - I had to watch. The next morning when I got to work within seconds of getting into my cube my friends - Anna, Amber, Jill and Janelle were in there with me. I remember Anna asking with a pleading look in her eye, "Please tell us you didn't watch it last night?" I nodded and was immediately wrapped in eight arms. I adore my Q-town girls (Krystal & Jamie, you too, even though you weren't there) Not getting to see them is the single worst part of being a stay at home mom. Thank you ladies for your friendships & love.

*I don't like Charlize Theron. It's not fair to her, but I don't. We had gone to see the movie "North Country" and when we came home we put our newly gifted Pack-n-Play together - it was just after that that I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt the baby move. I joke and say he hated the movie so much he just decided Earth wasn't for him. (It is a crappy movie, by the way.)

*Allen Michael was born on a Saturday. Our dear friend Bobby had not heard the news, and Sunday morning he was at church, Pastor began to pray for us and our situation. Bob was standing next to Erik Reinertsen and quickly asked for confirmation. When Erik filled him in Bob turned around, walked out of church and drove the hospital. I have a vivid memory of him walking into the hospital room with tears streaming down his face, unable to say anything. His presence & silence meant the world to me that day and when I remember my son.

*The song "All My Praise" by Selah ministered to me in amazing ways and was played at Allen Michael's funeral. A couple years later I happened upon a blog about a mother who was told her baby would not live and that terminating the pregnancy was adviseable. She made the decision to carry her little girl & pray for a miracle. Audrey was born and lived for a few minutes before going to heaven. Audrey's father is one of the singers in Selah. So the musician that ministered to me in my son's death had now lost a baby himself. His wife wrote a beautiful song and I am going to post the lyrics, but listen to it if you can get your hands on it, it's even more beautiful sung. It makes me cry every time I hear it but it is my song for my son...

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this? People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you