Three Years Ago

Three years ago today we said hello and goodbye to our firstborn son.
Three years ago today I realized just how amazing a man I married.
Three years ago today our faith was put to the test and we came out praising our Lord and Savior.

This is what I read at Allen Michael's funeral...
November 12th was not only one of the most difficult days of my life, it was also the most joyous.
Just before I delivered our baby we were listening to the song, All My Praise, by Selah, and when I heard them sing, "You knew my name before there was time. And all this was just part of your glorious design - Hallelujah, Hallelujah." I was filled with such an incredible peace. This was God's plan, not mine. And not only that - it was a perfect plan - no matter how hard or hurtful. That chorus gave me the strength to deliver & experience the greatest joy so far in my life.
When I did not get to take my baby home, I didn't know if I would feel right calling myself a mother, but in the short time Allen & I were able to spend with our little guy, I knew without a doubt, that's just what I was... a momma.
I may never understand why this happened and I know it will never stop hurting but I trust in God's plan for my life. It gives me great hope and great peace.

This is what Allen read...
This weekend has changed my life forever. I experienced many feelings I had never felt before, from indescribable pain to peace like I have never known.
My close friend and cousin, Jessica, gave me a book of hymns. God spoke to me through the hymn "It is well with my soul" Later, when telling this to my friend Jesse, he told me the story behind the song, and it touched my heart as the author knew the loss of a child also.
It is not well with my heart, my heart is broken. It is not well with my head, I feel like I'm going crazy. It is not well with my body, I'm exhausted and weak. But I can say in all honesty, it is well with my soul.
One thing that Natalie said right after Allen was born was, "I am floating on a cloud of grace" It touched me at that moment and it sums everything up for me today.
God has met my every need during this difficult time. He gave me strength, peace, people to lean on, people to cry with, and Scripture that touched my heart.
I want to thank all of you who were with us at the hospital and all of you who are supporting us in prayer. We could not have gotten through all of this without you.
This weekend I fell in love all over again with my wife. Seeing the glow in her face as she held our child - she amazes me. She's given me more strength than she'll ever know.
I thank God that He has made me a father.

This is the euology that our Pastor Duncan wrote and read...
We don't know who Allen would have looked like all grown up,
But the God who gave him his father's flashing eyes and mother's pouting mouth - He knows.

We don't know if behind young Allen's eyes their would lie his father's fun-loving, mischievous spirit,
But God knows - and he delights in His son even now.

We don't know if Allen would have inherited his mother's hearty laugh,
But God, who created joy, knows - and laughs with him today.

We don't know when Allen would have learned to walk, or how old he would have been when he donned his first of many pairs of flip flops (an inside joke with our pastor)
But God knows - and underneath Allen's feet today are streets made of something far more precious than gold.

We don't know if young Allen would have been afraid of the dark,
But God knows - and has provided Allen a place where the light of Christ has forever swallowed up all darkness.

We don't know if, as he grew to be a young man, Allen would have liked hugs and kisses,
But God knows - and has surely arranged that Allen receive all the heavenly affection he'll ever need.

We don't know how Allen would have been as a teenager,
But God knows - and He took him to glory before he had to learn the hard way (as we all do) that independence is not all its cracked up to be.

We don't know if Allen would have been a good student,
But God knows - and Allen now knows God perfectly and is therefore far more knowledgeable than anyone on this planet.

We don't know what talents and abilities Allen would have uniquely possessed,
But God knows - and Allen is now using his gifts for their highest purpose - to worship and serve His king.

So many things we just don't know about Allen Michael Lepien and his future,
But for those who know the God of Allen's future, we know that Allen's eternal life with Him is better by far than anything he could ever have experienced here.

Today we are going to go to Barnes & Noble to buy a book in Allen's memory. They have a Christmas donation where you can pick a boy or girl of a certain age and buy them a book. This is one of our Allen Michael day traditions, we buy a book for a little guy the same age that A.M. would be. This year we are letting Nora pick out the book. I am guessing it will be about trains or Elmo. We may go to his grave but I'm not sure. I have a hard time there because I know what is there and it's not him, and what is there is just too sad. We'll do lunch with my momma. Usually we have all our friends over for "angel" food cake but since a lot of them will be at church tonight, we are just going to have it with our little family.

And we will pull out the plaster molding the hospital made for us of Allen Michael's tiny hands and feet to show Nora and Joliana.
We would appreciate any prayers for today, as it is already a hard one. To God be the glory.